Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast

Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 19:35:09 +0100 (BST)
From: Ceels
Subject: Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast.

Could somebody please explain to me why farts are so funny? I gave my talk on farming in Australia; the kids sat on the floor and put up their hands when they wanted to ask questions. There was a lot of stretching the hand high in the air going:

‘eeengh eeeengh eeengh.’
‘Yes Robert.’
‘Are there any lions in Australia?’
‘No Robert.’
‘eeengh eeeengh eeengh.’
‘Are there any tigers?’
‘No Robert’,
‘eeengh eeeengh eeengh’
‘Yes Ruth’
‘Are there ko-ahh-lahs in Australia?’
‘Yes Ruth, but we are talking about salination and soil degradation as a result of excessive irrigation and inappropriate farming techniques.’

I was just telling them how good the dairy farming was in Victoria’s southwest when Jack Langmead let rip an enormous fart. Of course because he was sitting on the floor it resonated beautifully. I get the giggles now just thinking about it. Naturally it happened shortly after the teacher had left the room and there was bedlam. Uncontrollable hysteria. Jack was bright red and all the other children were making fart noises on their arms. It took me about five minutes to calm them down as I was having trouble keeping a straight face.

Those guys are six and it is not just them. I walked into the B2 and B3 dorm the other night, they are seven and eight years old respectively, and Florence was lying on her bed waggling her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m farting, I’m farting,’ and letting go some incredible woofters. Fiona was jumping up and down on her bed shouting ‘Flo’s farting, Flo’s farting,’ (as though it wasn’t immediately apparent to all in the room). Every time they calmed down Flo would fart again and they’d be off. I tried to explain (in a sensible calming voice) about the rule where if you were going to do smelly farts then you have to go outside to do them.

That just made it worse.

And speaking of toilet humour, I had to take Hermione to the loo today because she tends to have little accidents. I helped her with her knickers and tights, lifted her onto the loo then waited with her. She looked at me very seriously and said ‘I’m doing poopies,’ and sure enough she was.

I was holding my breath trying to keep back the hysterical laughter. She got down from the toilet and with an air of great satisfaction pointed and said, ‘Look, there are my poopies,’ at which point I fled to the kitchen. Two to three year olds don’t think farts are funny, they don’t think of them at all, they are just farts. (Or useful warning signs to the teacher that someone might need the loo.) And the older girls find them embarrassing. I think I missed a stage in my development as I still find them funny. Whenever the teachers talk about something fart/toilet related I have to suppress a snigger.

It was freezing cold today; this morning at 9:30 it was an balmy four and half degrees. And it was a lot less than that when I went over to the main house to wake the girls. Fortunately, John has fixed my heater so I am not cold at night any more.

Soon I am not going to be able to write emails at night because it is getting too cold in the computer room. My hands are quite purple. We went for a walk through the fields with the nursery children because it was a lovely sunny day even if it was so cold. I felt sorry for Menna and Jordan who had to hold my hands because they were icy.

Well I have to be off now; I am going to go sing with the choral society at seven thirty. It is the highlight of my week (other people to talk to). Also, Jenny and I might be going up to Bryanston (the near by prep school were jenny has friends) and who knows, maybe the spunky German boy will be there.
love you lots
ceels ____________________________________________________________

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