good things don't come to those who wait

Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: good things don't come to those who wait.

I worked out why I was having doubts about work on Wednesday. It’s the new guy. He’s so depressing and it makes for a hell of a long shift. I went home convinced I was never going back to the kitchen again. I had to unwillingly drag myself out of bed on Thursday morning and (oh, hang on...). But I wasn't feeling cheery about the whole experience.

He is the type of guy who can make you feel worse just by walking in the room. He’s never happy about anything, he caused an enormous fight between the kitchen and front of house staff (because his latte had too much froth) and he is rude and sexist (oh yes he is), he would make St Francis of Assisi kick babies.

I have had a busy couple of days standing up for myself. Culminating into today when I gave one of the more odious waiters a dressing down. He was incredibly rude on the telephone from downstairs, to the point where I got really angry. Have you ever seen me really angry?

It doesn't happen very often. I hung up the telephone, took two deep breaths and went round the wheel.

Once I calmed down I went down stairs and said 'Jacob, do you have a minute?' I took him aside and gave him the nursery routine. (Imagine ceels, eyes wide and voice earnest) 'Now Jacob, how do you think it made ceels feel when you said those words, do you think she might have been a bit angry? Perhaps next time you might try to say helping words? And then ceels won't belt you in the head with the meat mallet.' well I didn't quite say that. But I did tell him his manner was unnecessary and perhaps if he was a bit polite he might evoke a more positive response.

We don't have enough kitchen hands at the moment (they've all bloody gone to Spain and places). So the apprentices are being kitchen hands for a while. No one told us this, or asked us. Our identical response was 'do we get paid more?'. (Edit: at the time – apprentice chef AUD$2.91/hour, dish pig ~AUD$15.00/hour)

So if anyone who knows anyone who is looking for work and would like a couple of shifts as a kitchen hand??? Or if anyone wants to be a first year apprentice? (I hear it's a great job).

Well I must be off, I need some sleep. I am working a double tomorrow (Edit: = 16 hrs) and the boys next door were talking loudly about penises until 2:30am this morning. If they’re loud tonight I will fill up their wheelie bin with Selly’s gap filler.

love you
ceels

please keep your feet off the seats (public transport is for everyone)

Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: please keep your feet off the seats (public transport is for everyone).

I am starting to have doubts that I am in the right job. Ask any one, 'Should Ceels be in a job which primarily requires speed and co-ordination?'. I was dish-pig today as well as runner. No matter how fast you wash them they keep appearing. It’s worse than kids with snotty noses.

But I will hang with it for a while; the problem with having no direction is the constant vague feeling that you are not doing quite the right thing.

I think that I am going to have to get up a little earlier in the mornings so that I can have a proper breakfast. I was hopeless today, dragging my bum along the ground (figuratively). It’s just that my body refused to work. My brain kept saying 'hurry up', chef kept saying 'hurry up' and my body just said 'why?'. A handful of choc chip biscuits is not a valid breakfast option.

If anyone has any direction to offer me, it would be welcome.

At least with this job my biceps look great.

if you drop a knife, don't try and catch it

Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: if you drop a knife, don't try and catch it.

On Tuesday the dumb waiter broke. It broke the first time when Sal was bringing up two trays of basmati rice (about 6 litres) and a bucket of mixed nuts and seeds. When it hit the bottom they exploded, sending nut and rice and seed projectiles through the air, bouncing off benches and fridges and waiters.

The second time it broke was in the middle of service when we were sending food down stairs to be served. It plunged to its doom with an almighty BOOM, and we got to see what happens to a meal when you chuck it down a fifteen-foot elevator shaft.

On a more embarrassing note, I forgot to lock the door to the staff change room. It is also the staff bathroom, and when I am going in there to use it for it's amenities I remember to lock the door. The short story is that I was standing in my undies in that fluorescent light like they use in department store fitting rooms when David walked in. He is one of the executives. I am unable to look him in the eye.

I also accidentally cut one of the ties off my new knife wrap; my new knives are very sharp. I nearly accidentally cut one of my fingertips off, my knife slipped on the last bit of the onion.

love you

ceels

a good wettex, used properly, should last about half an hour

Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: a good wettex, used properly, should last about half an hour.
CC: a whole list of names and addresses

This is a special message, just for Blair, who wanted to know who else was on the mailing list, the only other news is that I have now cut my self on my other new knife, so hopefully they will leave me alone now.

love to you all
ceels

if I have ever given you a massage, now is the time to return the favour

Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: if I have ever given you a massage, now is the time to return the favour.

Oh my,

Yesterday I had Suzy’s gnocchi. It is blanched then pan fried in butter. It is good and right. You crunch through the outside and then it just disappears. It was like eating crunchy clouds. I understand, I understand exactly how greatly I failed in my gnocchi-making endeavour. I understand that boarding house gnocchi is not gnocchi (I knew, but I never understood). I would like to formally apologise to our dog for trying to feed her my failed gnocchi attempt.

Fortunately she had better sense than I had gnocchi skill and didn’t eat it. I am going to learn how to make this phenomenon known as gnocchi and revel in my gnocchi ecstasy.

I cut my self on my new knife for the first time yesterday, while I was putting my other new knife away in my knife wrap (oh the indignity)

c

playing dot to dot with my bruises

Date: Fri, 9 Jun 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: playing dot to dot with my bruises.

From time to time I realise I am not just at zukini to fill in a bit of spare time and to have something to write emails about. I sort of 'come to' in the kitchen and think 'help, I am an apprentice chef'.

So I have been making a list of why I like to go to work each day.

*I enjoy shelling prawns (it gives me a sense of achievement when I get the head off and the poo vein out in one deft movement).

*I am developing bicep definition. (and I can run up and down stairs really fast)

*I get to wear latex examination gloves (every day) NB. When you are scrubbing iron stove tops with steel wool. It is quite possible to scrub straight through the latex examination gloves and the skin on your fingers.

*I get to work with people, rather than sectioned off into my own little booth with a telephone (cf. telemarketing) and the only person I didn't like in the kitchen has just left.

*I eat good food all the time

*I am learning new things about time and space (how to fit 10 ltrs of rice into a two litre bucket and how to make fondue, shuck oysters and prep salmon condiments at the same time)

*I can dye my hair blond, and nobody minds

As I am getting better at things I get to do more. For example the fruit fondue. You have to whisk it until it forms thick ribbons. By the time I was halfway through I had sweat (sorry, perspiration) running down my spine and the backs of my legs, soaking into the top of my socks. And you don't want to know what Suzy told me to think of to improve my whisking technique.

I have also learned to de-bone the quail (it is quite fun, squidging around) and plate spaghetti (a major step forward).

And last night when I made an apple kebab risotto, it was such that the head chef told me it was the first time he hadn't hated me since I arrived.

Advice for the week: don't eat toast in bed, no matter how tired and hungry you think you are.

love to you
ceels

some days are better than others

Date: Tue, 30 May 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: some days are better than others.

I have learned many many things in the last few weeks and seem to have forgotten at least twice as much.

I have learned that seafood is treacherous and will turn on you if you lapse in vigilance. I have forgotten how to construct paragraphs; my life has been reduced to a series of lists.

I have a new list of nicknames: 'hey you', babyface, madam lash (???), celie has resurfaced and there are many other unrepeatable things.

Exciting things have been happening. I was in the paper last week and Pat (McKernan, musician at the local pub, the Dan O'Connell) recognised me. (I could die now and die a happy woman).

I met Ben Harper (oh my)

And I shaved my head.

Work has been exciting too. I have learnt how to make rice into a viable building material.

If you are washing snapper and you have too firm a grip on it, it will shoot straight out of your hands and down the bench. (fish are very aerodynamic (this desk set wants to fly))

Never touch hot toffee. Sugar boils at 160-180 degrees and adheres to your skin.

It is easy to get miso broth and lemon grass tea confused when you are in a hurry

Miso paste takes the sting out of burns. White pepper takes the sting out of cuts.

The three most valuable things in a kitchen are buckets, tea towels and fridge space.

If you are using a knife, concentrate on the knife.

Don’t yell at a chef (they'll nail your arse to the wall)

The oven is hot (the oven is hot, the oven is hot)

Organic food is full of organic grubs (and I am on the frontline between the people and the bugs).

love ceels

if it's on the stove, chances are it's hot

Date: Wed, 10 May 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: if it's on the stove, chances are it's hot.

Things that are more likely to happen when you are tired and in a hurry:
*walking out into on coming traffic
*using rabbit stock instead of white wine in the fruit fondue
*slipping over on wet tiles
*getting hit by the steamer
*hitting your head on the oven
*hitting your head on the dishwasher
*breaking a dish
*getting wasabi in your eye
*hitting:
- the juicer
- the bell on the fridge
- shelves
- fridge doors
- a hot pan
- a hot tray
*shooting murderous glances at a fellow chef and getting caught
*forgetting to dilute the wheat grass juice before service.
*cutting your fingers on:
- a shelf
- an oyster
- a prawn
- a fish (the sea food is deadly)
- a loaf of bread (again)
- a knife
- a metal scourer
*losing the ability to form coherent sentences about vital information which must be conveyed to other people, "the stock has boiled over", "don't tip that, there are eggs in it", "the spoon is on fire", "the hose has melted to the hot plate", "I brought the calf's liver up already", "there are no beans left in the cool room".
*tipping the entire box of 500ml lids onto a fellow chef's head (they weren't heavy, so she forgave me).
*mistaking the bucket of miso broth for the scrap bucket.
*the dumb waiter breaks (and you know who has to run up and down the stairs when the dumb waiter breaks)

Advice for the week: say sorry every time you do something, or somebody speaks to you.

give a klutz a knife

Date: Wed, 3 May 2000
From: "Ceels"
Subject: give a klutz a knife

Things I Have Learned About Being A Chef.

1. If you scrub 25 dozen oysters you will shred your hands unless you wear latex gloves

2. If you did not wear gloves, do not accidentally tip vinegar on your hands

3. If you did not wear gloves the oysters will seek their own revenge with salt water when you come to shuck them.

3a. If you do not wear an apron and forget to take a change of clothes to work, after scrubbing and shucking oysters no one will sit near you on the tram.

4. It is possible to cut your fingers on bread.

5. If you cut your fingers, do not get chilli juice on them (ever). NB. If you get chilli juice on your fingers do not rub your eyes

6. If onions make your eyes water, do not try to keep cutting while you cannot see. Chances are you will slip and cut a chunk out of your finger.

7. Do not ever say 'Yes, but' to the head chef.

7a. Do not ever say anything but 'Yes chef' to the head chef.

8. Always keep track of the rubber bands.

9. If you are asked to drain the vegetable stock, do not accidentally pour the stock down the sink.

10. If you intend to move about the kitchen, announce your presence in a loud clear voice

11. If more than one person tells you what to do, follow the advice/ instructions of the most senior.

12. Never ever cry.

Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000
From: "Ceels"

I had my first official day at work today. It was top fun. To start off with, I had my doubts. We sat around downstairs on the concrete (the carpet goes in tomorrow, until then it's piles all round) and had a little group session on the Kitchen’s mission and goals. We each got up to say who we were and what we could contribute to the team. And the peppy little thing running the show kept going on about how we completed the wheel and how each member of the team was as equal as the next.

If I had been a cynic I might have rolled my eyes.

When I was told they were packing us into mini buses and we were going on a little bonding trip, I admit, I was frightened. They were taking us to Altona. As it turned out lunch was amazing (one of the benefits of working in a restaurant like the Kitchen) and rock climbing was not as bad as I thought. In fact I enjoyed myself immensely. In fact it rocked (hee hee).

I am covered in blisters and bruises, but every one of them was worth it. I never realised how fun climbing the walls could be. So now the real stuff begins

love you
ceels

Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000
From: "Ceels"

I have entered the wonderful world of being a telemarketer. You may have thought I was becoming an apprentice chef (as did I), but the restaurant in which I am being an apprentice chef is not opening 'til after Easter. So in the mean time I am a telemarketer (and oh what fun it is). I am phoning people in New Zealand to sell them a book of vouchers for free stuff. The book costs $80 and many people are abusive. They seem to think I am wasting their time.

However, I had a couple of lovely chats with people. One guy was on the dole and was thinking about getting into telemarketing, but he was worried that it would steal his soul. One guy's girl friend can't get a visa to get into New Zealand, but he hopes to see her soon.

Some one has taken all one old woman's furniture and she's not sure where it is, she thinks they might be moving her to another country.

Mostly you get answering machines (it is the middle of the day after all). I have not yet sold anything. I think it is hard to be convincing when you do not have faith in the product you are trying to sell. Or it might be because I sound dodgy. People kept asking me if I was Canadian or South African. (Is my accent that weird?).

any how,

love you lots,
ceels.

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000
From: "Ceels"

I am just writing to do a quick update. I am living in Collingwood now until the end of semester. And, in case I haven't told you yet, my next mode of employment is at a new organic restaurant opening in the city on the 6th of April. I will be working as an apprentice chef. I am an apprentice chef (yes indeedy).

So no doubt this will lead to regular updates of my trials and tribulations (at least until I cut my fingers off)

love ceels

Next post, the Kitchen

I have joined NaBloPoMo. Wish me luck.

And just in case you were wondering about the rest of letterland:

Annie Apple is doing acrobatics with the animals
Bouncy Ben is bouncing his big, blue ball
Clever Cat can catch creepy caterpillars
Dippy Duck is diving in the deep dark dam
Eddy Elephant eats eggs every Easter
Fireman Fred is fighting the fire with his friends
Golden Girl is giggling at Gabby's green greedy goat
Hairy Hatman has a hairy house
Impy Ink is inside the incubator
Jumping Jim is juggling jelly
Kicking King is in the kitchen with his kitten
Lucy Lamp Lady likes looking at her lighthouse
Munching Mike is munching marvellous metal mushrooms
Naughty Nick nails a notice on the nut tree
Oscar Orange is on an orange octopus
Poor Peter is paddling in the Prep's pool
Quarrelsome Queen is on the quilt with the quads
Robber Red is robbing Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer
Sammy Snake is snoozing on the sand
Ticking Tess talks on the telephone
Uppy Umbrella is upstairs with her uncle
Vase of Violets vanished in the volcano
Wicked Water Witch walks on her windmill
Yellow Yo-Yo Man is yelling at the yellow yabbies
Zig-Zag Zebra zips across the zoo

It's not the same without the pictures.

slinking home with my tail between my legs

Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1999 17:35:01 +0000 (GMT)
From: Ceels
Subject: slinking home with my tail between my legs.


Dear every one,

Thanks for all your good wishes and support but I am coming home. I bought my plane ticket yesterday afternoon and I will arrive in Melbourne on the 28th.

love you lots

ceels